I’ll admit I cringe a little when I hear the term “self-esteem,” a catchphrase in the Psychology world, even though I use it on my own website since it’s so recognizable. Western culture can be individualistic. We’re told to be all we can, and do all we can, standing tall. To me, self-esteem can sound like yet another thing to build, improve, and achieve.
I prefer the term self-worth. To me, it suggests believing in our inherent value and capacity as human beings. Sometimes, I picture adults as babies – vulnerable, yet with strong instincts to survive, and wired to connect with others. I think of this as our essential nature.
When we are young, if a caregiver responds to and fulfills our needs with relative consistency (and we experience fairly minimal trauma and receive helpful support when we do), it’s especially easy to build strong self-worth. But many of us have a more mixed or challenging growing-up experience, or we face obstacles to strong self-worth as adults. And even if we grew up in “ideal” circumstances, I think most adults have to re-learn our worth, over and over.
In our adult years, the inevitable will happen – we will make mistakes, get hurt or betrayed, realize we’ve hurt others or ourselves, feel regret, or get worn out and tired. We can internalize the events and begin to feel flawed or damaged, perhaps experiencing self-blame, shame, or guilt. This eats away at our self-worth and can keep us stuck in unhappy and unhealthy patterns. To free ourselves, it helps tremendously to hold in mind that we are probably doing our best with what we have, mistakes and losses are a part of life, and we are still lovable and deserving.
How do we do this? I think it starts with noticing what activities feel deeply good and nourishing to us. I’m thinking of the activities that make us feel more in touch with ourselves and most alive. Maybe it’s time with loved ones or groups, spiritual pursuits, work or volunteer work, creative outlets, or exercise. Play around with these activities, get to know them and how they make you feel, and see what other activities help you feel this way. Also, a sidenote: for many of us life moves fast and feels highly demanding. To even have the energy for these activities and receive their full benefits, maybe we first have to slow down, adjust our expectations, evaluate our values and priorities, and take some things off our plates.
During satisfying, energizing, restorative activities, we are more likely to relax back into ourselves. We move out of fight/flight/freeze/fear mode (at least while we are immersed in the activity), and rather than being driven by threats from the past, we may come into better present-moment awareness of ourselves and our situation and feel a sense of safety or at least ok-ness. We more clearly see and feel our energy, desires, abilities, and strengths. The more often we sink into this state of emotional freedom, the easier it is to return to it.
Counseling’s Role in Developing Self-Worth
Counseling can be one of these nourishing experiences and activities that helps you feel more free and strong. Almost like a physical therapist, I can help you repair and build the internal “muscle” that is the awareness of – and trust in – your capable, deserving self. How does this happen? Multiple theories and modalities that I draw from are focused on developing the calm, compassionate “center” within each of us. This center part of you keeps a big-picture perspective, recognizes we all struggle, and has unconditional care and love for you, as imperfect as you are.
Does this sound pie in the sky, or impossible? Take heart! In counseling, I act as that calm, compassionate presence to get us started and throughout our relationship. When your self-criticism, self-doubt, or self-sabotage inevitably show up, I can shine a gentle light on them, helping you notice and see them as subjective rather than objective or “the truth.”
Forces like self-criticism are one part of you, after all – not all of you, and certainly not the deepest, wisest part. Most likely, your self-criticism is trying to protect you in some way. Together we can explore what it’s trying to do or protect, and whether the beliefs or fears involved are actually helpful or even realistic. We can acknowledge the self-criticism, and even thank it for trying to help you (it may sound ridiculous but it can be powerful!), and ask it to step aside.
As we work together and build a trusting rapport, when unhelpful/unrealistic parts like self-criticism show up, you will likely start to incorporate the calm, compassionate voice and response. First it may feel like my voice speaking up, and eventually it just becomes your inner voice, bringing you back to your deepest wisdom when you get off course. Of course, this takes time and practice.
As years pass and we hit new obstacles, we may need self-worth “tune-ups." Whether this is your first time considering this topic or it’s time to tune up, I would be honored to be your gentle guide and companion in the process.
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