The Superpower of Adult Friendship

A Story

The other day, walking in one of my favorite bustling Seattle neighborhoods from my yoga class to my parked car, I heard a moaning sound like I’d never heard before. I spotted a person on the sidewalk across the street, who seemed to be a man in his 30s or 40s. He was well-dressed with cute chunky glasses frames. He was clearly in psychological pain, and maybe also physical pain. His wide-eyed expression and loud whimpers looked to me like emotional shock. He leaned into a bush and vomited. 

And the most noteworthy thing, to me, was that this man had someone by his side. He looked to be a man of a similar age, maybe his partner or friend. He stood close, sustained eye contact with him, and touched his back when he vomited, leaning down towards him a little, perhaps to help guard privacy or just show his care. And when the man finished vomiting and stood up, the friend braced him in a side hug.  There was no way he could stumble as they slowly walked down the sidewalk. The man continued to whimper and wail, and his friend continued to support him. I tried not to stare for long, but the friend looked so very present, emotionally available, and committed to riding out this storm together.

I wondered, what had happened? Maybe he had just gotten the worst, most unexpected news. Had a loved one just died in a traumatic way? Or perhaps he got intensely relieving news, after a stressful ordeal. Maybe a loved one had just come out of a coma, or off life support, and was expected to live, against all odds.

Whether these two people were partners, family, or friends, I’ll never know. But it did get me thinking about adult friendship. Having a few close friends who bring us joy, understand us and are completely there for us when the sh$t hits the fan – this is a real treasure in life. And yet maintaining friendships as an adult, let alone making new friends, can be a challenge, especially as we change, move away, or become more focused on career or family. But without friends, life can feel lonely and unfulfilling.  

The Science

Research agrees, and goes a step further. Adult friendship is positively correlated with wellbeing, physical health, and even longevity. Pezirkianidis et al’s 2023 article reviewed 38 research articles published between 2000-2019. Not only did they find adult friendship is positively correlated with wellbeing, they found factors such as socializing with friends and high friendship quality actually predict wellbeing. Other research has found that having quality friendships appears to help us experience fewer health problems and live longer.

Going back to the scene on the street  – and I’m presuming the two people were men and friends – what most amazed me was how the supportive friend appeared utterly and completely there for his friend in distress. He seemed emotionally attuned, willing to put everything else aside, and able to offer a kind of safe haven in this critical time. Pezirkianidis et al’s paper finds this is one of the important functions of adult friendship; they term it “emotional security,” or “the sense of safety offered by friends in new, unprecedented and threatening situations” (Fehr and Harasymchuk, 2018 in Pezirkianidis et al, 2023). When we go through negative life events with one or more close friends by our side, we experience less stress from the events (Donnellan et al., 2017 in Pezirkianidis et al, 2023). 

And of course, as the research paper explores, friendship has other functions in addition to emotional security, such as help/social support, trust and loyalty, encouragement and building positive self-image, and emotional intimacy through open and honest sharing of personal information.

For all these reasons and benefits, I think making and maintaining friendships is like a human superpower. And friendships are unique in that they are completely chosen, rather than biological, familial, or contractual. Two or more people just want to be close, because they care about the other and feel a little better in the world alongside each other. To me, friendship is not only potent, it's sacred.

When I arrived back at my car and closed the door after noticing the two men on the street, I took a deep breath and leaned my head back into the seat. I thought of my close friend, her warm smile, and her hugs. I picked up my phone and sent her a text, just to say hello, and that I was thinking of her.

Whether we’re in a terrible crisis, or it’s just an ordinary day, we need our friends.

Let’s Look at You

What are you wanting from friends right now, either the ones you have, or the ones you’d like to make? 

When have you felt most supportive as a friend, or supported by a friend?

Who would you like to get to know better, or get back in touch with?